U.S. Imperialism ~ The Movie!
Mr. President Cleveland. Huh… What? Yes, come in. You have a visitor, sir. Alright. You can go in. Hello, Mr. President, sir, Sorry to interrupt any president business you may have been up to, but… um… I need to address something. And what makes you think you have the authority to do that exactly? Well, if you’d just hear me out… Fine, but if all you speak of is piddly nonsense, walk out immediately Sir, thank you, thank you sir, I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the horrible… horrible conditions that the Cubans are enduring under the Spanish rule… If only we could help them. You’re the fifth one today! How many times do I have to tell you people?! We must stick to our policy of Isolationism!!! Get out!!! But Mr. President…! *BANG* Mr. President McKinley. If it’s another one of those.. pleas… about the Cubans, I don’t even want to hear about it. These “yellow journalists”, the entire country at that… They’re driving me mad! Feeding… prisoners… to… the… sharks!!! BLOOD ON THE ROADSIDES!!! BLOOD ON THE FIELDS!!! BLOOD ON THE DOORSTEPS!!! BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD!!!!! WATCH IT!!! Yellow journalism is MY thing!!! It’s called freedom of the press, “Joey the German”!!! I can write WHATEVER… I… WANT!!! See what I mean?! They’re obsessed!!! The whole country!!! UGH!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! GUARDS!!! FETCH ME THE NUMBER FOR THE NAVY GENERAL!!! I WANT THIS OVER WITH!!! Beep beep boop beep boop boop boop [telephone ringing] [telephone ringing] Hello? Who’s this? Hey, Teddy, it’s me!!! McKinKins!!! Hey!! What’s up? Nothing much, just do something to get these Cuba-lovers out of my face, they’re driving me crazy! I think I’ll have a heart attack!!! Sure thing, “boss”! [laughs] beep beep boop beep beep boop boop [telephone ringing] Hello? Who’s this? Theodore Roosevelt, assistant secretary of the navy. Yes, yes, I know your status of course. What have you ringed me up for? When war breaks out in Cuba, strike the Philippines with your Pacific fleet of ships. The President is getting really bugged with everyone urging him to take action. Of course, sir, but why, may I ask, that you choose the Philippines, when the war is in and about Cuba? They’ll never see it coming! And, if they’re mid-war and need the extra ships, they won’t have them, and it will make our chances of success greater. Also, if we succeed, the Filipinos might offer to help us win the fight. Hmmm… seems legit. I’m in. And you know what? I’m feeling pretty confient that we might just sink the entire Spanish squadron! That’ts the spirit! Good luck. So, with this I’ll get Puerto Rico, the Philippines, and the Pacific Islands of Guam and Wake? Sí, señor. BAAAAAAAAHH Great doing business with you, sir! Hmmm… Wouldn’t it be great if we could link the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans? Ummmm…. I suppose so… beep beep boop beep beep boop boop [phone ringing] Hey, Colombian dude. So, I think it’d be cool if we could build a canal through Panama. I’ll give you $10 million and a $250,000 yearly rent. NO. So, I heard you don’t like Colombia’s rule. [crowd booing] Well, let’s make a deal. If you claim independence, we’ll help you get away from the Colombians, and, you’ll get a canal in Panama, if you’d let us use it, of course. [kids cheering] Well… Ok…. [kids cheering] [crickets chirping] We tried to begin the construction on the Panama Canal, but we’ve run into a little dilemma. Everyone’s getting cases of Yellow Fever and Malaria! Just… get William C. Gorgas to help. I’m tired… Um… Ok? I support my “Big Stick” foreign policy!! I want he world to know that if Diplomacy fails, we will not hesitate to use military action to protect our interests. European nations recently threatened to attack the Dominican Republic for late unpaid debts. So, I added a corollary to the Monroe Doctrine that states if we get in disputes with a foreign nation, we have the right to use an “international police power” to restore order. So, that’s just what I did. I sent marines to the Dominican Republic to take over the country’s finances. I think… that our foreign policy… should be based on economic ties… to help… spread… American influence! I think our foreign policy should aim towards spreading democracy. My idea was tested in 1911 when the Mexican Revolution took place, and from there until 1917. At first, I followed a policy I called “watchful waiting”, as I waited to see whether Mexico would become a democracy. Though in a 1914 incident, I was forced to intervene with Mexico. In 1916, Francisco “”Pancho” Villa raided New Mexico… [Doctor Who theme song] RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH RAAAAHHH … and I was forced to interact with them again. I ordered troops to capture Villa, but after 11 months of no luck, told them to withdraw. And… I need to know this because… Well, for one, I thought you might be interested in my… amazing… outstanding… wonderful accomplishments… BUT I’M FILMING A DOCUMENTRY, YOU OBLIVIOUS BABOON!!! NOW SHUSH!!! [BANG] Sorry about that… anyway… ♪Everybody Talks by Neon Trees♪
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