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Trump’s Big Plan To “Pack Churches” On Easter | The Daily Social Distancing Show

Trump’s Big Plan To “Pack Churches” On Easter | The Daily Social Distancing Show

Hey, everybody, Trevor Noah
here with another episode of The Daily Social
Distancing Show. It is now day 13
of being stuck in the house to try and stop the coronavirus. And yes, I’m going
a little bit crazy, but I’m also learning things. For instance, here’s a tip
to help you in quarantine. If you’re alone
and you’re feeling lonely, all you need to do
is take some pillows and you fill them up
with potatoes, wrap them up in a blanket, stack them on your couch
and now you have a friend. Jerry. Always fighting
over the remote. Anyway, tonight
we’re gonna catch up on all the latest
coronavirus news, like Congress is giving
everyone money, the royal family is getting
personal with coronavirus and Donald Trump
teaches us about manners. So let’s get into it. Welcome to The Daily
Social Distancing Show. -♪ ♪ -ANNOUNCER: From Trevor’s
couch in New York City to your couch
somewhere in the world, this is The Daily Social Distancing Show
With Trevor Noah. Let’s kick it off
as we always do, with some good news of the day. This morning Republicans
and Democrats in the Senate reached a deal to pump
two trillion dollars into the economy to help
deal with this pandemic. It is the biggest stimulus
in United States history, and it basically
spreads money everywhere. Direct payments to Americans,
expanded unemployment insurance, aid to small businesses,
aid to the airline industry and billions of dollars
to help prop up the health care industry,
which is vital right now. So all over America
people are gonna be getting checks
from the government. And I know a lot of people
out there are desperate for toilet paper, but please
do not use those checks to wipe your ass.
You take the check, you cash the check
and then you take the cash and you go to the toilet
and you wipe your ass. Or you use the cash
to buy toilet paper. I should have
gone with that one first. But now you-now you know.
If you were-if you were already doing it, you were
too fast, I can’t help you. Now, apparently Democrats
and Republicans only managed to reach a deal after
they agreed that they were going to include an
oversight committee to make sure that all of this money is being
spent appropriately. Right? And there’s also a provision
that blocks bailout money from going to businesses
that are owned by government officials, including the president
and his family. Imagine that, hmm?
In fact, just take a second to appreciate how strange it is
that lawmakers felt that they needed to write in that the
president cannot use this money for himself and his family.
And even Republicans were like, “Yeah, yeah, no, you’re right,
we should include that. We should include that.”
Because, don’t forget, this is the same guy
who took $150,000 from a small business
recovery program after 9/11. And he didn’t need that. So, yeah, Trump would have looted the shit
out of this fund. And even with this restriction,
I bet Trump will find a loophole to try and get some of this
money. He’ll be like, “Okay, Eric, if anyone asks, you’re no longer my son.” “Oh, damn, Dad, is this a plan
to get that bailout money?” “No, this is just something
I’ve always wanted.” In more good news, the
Chinese government has announced that there has been
so much improvement in Wuhan– the place where
this whole epidemic began– that the lockdown
will be lifted there in just a couple of weeks. Yeah. So, basically,
coronavirus is like TikTok– it started in China
but it’s blowing up in America. And pretty soon
the people of Wuhan are gonna be discriminating
against us. Yeah, they’re just gonna be
holding press conferences like, “We need to shut down
our borders to prevent the America virus
from coming in.” “The America virus?” “Yeah,
that’s how it works, right? “You name it after where it is,
’cause it not in Wuhan anymore. So, you… America virus?
Yeah?” But this news out of Wuhan
gives me hope, because it shows that the coronavirus
can be beaten. Right? All you need to do is wash
your hands, social distance and have an
all-powerful government that can force you
to do whatever they want. Yeah, because meanwhile,
in America, people are like, “If I want to lick a toilet
seat, it’s my God-given right to lick a goddam toilet seat!
Mwah!” So that’s the good news. Money coming into America and China seems to have
coronavirus under control. Now, we need a little bit
of good news every day, because outside of that,
the coronavirus is showing no signs
of slowing down. The number of confirmed
cases worldwide has jumped to over 430,000. Spain has surpassed China as the country with
the most deaths after Italy, and even the royal family
isn’t immune. Prince Charles has now tested
positive for coronavirus. Yeah. So, basically,
Harry and Megan left and coronavirus joined. Which is a pretty bad trade,
if you ask me. But don’t worry, the prince only has mild symptoms
and they say he’s recovering,
he’s in self-isolation in his palace. Yeah.
And I won’t lie– “the prince being in
self-isolation in the palace” sounds like the beginning
of a very strange Disney movie. The prince was trapped
in his castle, until one day a fair maiden
came to rescue him. “Only your kiss can save me, fair maiden.” “Oh, a kiss? Man, you lucky
if I wink at you from far. Get away from me.” Meanwhile, across the pond,
America is quickly becoming one of the world’s
coronavirus hot spots, with over 60,000 people
now infected. Businesses are continuing
to react in different ways to try and work through this.
For example, airlines are now
reassigning passengers so that nobody
sits in a middle seat. And this is in an attempt
to give everyone more distance from each other. Now, this is gonna be tough
for airlines. And, I mean, it’s probably gonna completely destroy
Spirit Airlines because they only have
middle seats. Spirit Airlines: if you’re still flying,
you deserve us. Another company dealing with the coronavirus fallout
right now is Amazon. Due to surging demand, they’ve been hiring
more workers. And to help pay for it, Amazon is asking us,
the public, to donate. So yeah,
the richest company in the world owned by the richest man
in the world is asking us for money. Which, let’s be honest,
is some bullshit. Can someone please order
Jeff Bezos a conscience? With Prime,
it can arrive within two days. In fact, screw Amazon.
Don’t be asking us for money. You know what I’m gonna do
as a protest? From now on, I’m only ordering stuff
from them once a day. Maybe twice a day,
but that’s it. But the big story today, the story
that’s got everybody talking, is that while more and more
countries around the world are shutting down to stop
coronavirus from spreading, Donald Jameson Trump is preparing
for a grand opening. President Trump now says he wants to reopen the country
for business by Easter even as health officials warn
the coronavirus pandemic will continue to worsen
in the U.S. I’d love to have it open
by Easter. Okay? I would love -to have it open by Easter.
-NEWSWOMAN: Oh, wow. Okay. I will…
I will tell you that right now. Easter’s a very special day
for me. And I say, wouldn’t it be great to have all
of the churches full? You know,
the churches aren’t allowed, essentially, to have much
of a congregation there. So I think Easter Sunday, and you’ll have packed churches
all over our country. I-I think it would be
a beautiful time. Yes, President Trump says he wants to reopen America
on Easter. Which makes sense. I mean, Easter is
about resurrection, after all. It’ll be,
“Happy Easter, everyone. He is risen.” “He” meaning coronavirus. And I love that Trump says Easter is a very special day
for him, because I’m willing to bet all five rolls
of my toilet paper that he doesn’t even know
what Easter is about. He’s acting like it’s special. I bet if you asked him,
he’d be like, “Easter is a very special time
for me. “It’s the day a giant rabbit “saved Jesus
from dying on the egg. So special, folks.” Now, you don’t have
to be a genius to see why the president’s plan is alarming a lot of people
right now. Right? It’s not just because
it seems way too early but it’s also
because he’s saying he wants everyone
to congregate together in churches around the country, which is the worst idea possible
in a pandemic. This is basically every
supervillain’s wet dream, right? A big event with huge crowds where everyone gets infected
by a deadly toxin. Trump is like the Joker,
just with more makeup. And this idea’s so insane that everyone
from Democratic governors to conservative politicians to the entire field
of medical experts agrees that unless
the virus is contained, people have no business
gathering in large groups. And, you know, it’s so surreal
that we ended up in a situation where the one person
who doesn’t understand how complex
and dangerous this is happens to be the most powerful
man in the world. It feels like
if there was an asteroid hurtling towards the Earth, everyone would be trying
to blow it up off course, and Trump would be like, “I think we should give
the asteroid a chance, folks. “Maybe it’s friendly. Look, it even has my hair.” Because what’s most mind-blowing about Trump’s sudden impulse
to get back to normal is that right now the situation
is far from under control. Especially here in New York, which right now has over half the country’s
confirmed coronavirus cases. It’s gotten so bad in New York that the White House’s
coronavirus task force is advising that even people who left New York already should self-quarantine
for 14 days, regardless of where they are
in the country or in the world. And that’s gonna be hard
for anyone who has to look after a New Yorker
who’s, like, visiting them. It’s gonna be people complaining
about their quarantined friends. Just like, “He won’t eat. “He says the pastrami’s too dry
and the bagels aren’t boiled. “I-I tried ordering pizza, and then he just cussed at me
for ten minutes.” And with coronavirus cases
not even expected to peak until two or three weeks
from now, the city is already
in desperate need for more hospital beds, more medical supplies,
more ventilators, which literally
keep people breathing when they can’t do it
on their own. And Governor Cuomo
definitely doesn’t feel like Trump and the federal government
are doing enough to help. NEWSWOMAN:
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo blasting
the federal government, saying it needs to provide more medical equipment,
like ventilators. You want a pat on the back
for sending 400 ventilators? What are we gonna do for 400…
with 400 ventilators when we need 30,000 ventilators? You’re missing the magnitude
of the problem, and the problem is defined
by the magnitude. Yeah, man. I’m not gonna lie. I can see why
Cuomo is pissed at Trump. If you need 30,000 ventilators, it’s insulting
for someone to give you 400. It’s like seeing
someone drowning in the ocean, and instead of throwing them
a life preserver, you just toss them
a rubber duck. “Here, at least you’re
entertained. Quack, quack.” And apparently,
part of the reason New York isn’t getting
enough federal help is because Trump feels that Governor Cuomo
is just too mean to him. This is an actual thing.
Today the Daily Beast quotes a White House official saying,
“If you’re good and respectful “to Trump,
he will treat you the same. It’s that simple.” And yesterday in an interview, Trump said pretty much the same
thing right out in the open. And, uh, we are doing very well
with, I think, almost all of the governors,
for the most part. But, you know,
it’s a two-way street. They have to treat us well also.
They can’t say, “Oh, gee, we should get this,
we should get that.” Yes, you treat Trump well
and he’ll treat you well. Or as he would call it,
a quid pro corona. And so,
as mind-boggling as it seems, while New York is in
an actual crisis right now, with thousands of lives at stake
and people actually dying, Donald Trump is asking people
to be polite to him in exchange for his help. And so I guess,
to all New Yorkers, I say, give the president
what he wants. Tell him,
“Please, Mr. President, do your mother(bleep) job.”

100 comments on “Trump’s Big Plan To “Pack Churches” On Easter | The Daily Social Distancing Show

  1. So let me get this straight: trump is willingly refusing to help HUNDREDS of people with covid because ONE mayor said mean things about him? WHAT A FUCKING CHILD!

  2. Why you trying to mock Jesus Christ with this opening up the country on Easter bro who you resurrect in the Lord is in heaven all this motherfukers trying to resurrect the Antichrist

  3. Miracle happen on Easter Sunday. Letting this virus know that Jesus is bigger than the virus is priceless. Victory belong to the Lord

  4. Your explanation of the bailout package was incredibly naive, there will be a 4.5 trillion dollar robbery of the taxpayer to bailout all the corporations that don't want to pay taxes, refuse to allow any regulation and bet all there money for the last 10 years on stock buy backs, but I'm sure they will learn this time. All the CEO's who will receive the bailout money came out and told the American people, they promise not to cum in our months.

  5. Stop a fake virus! All made up!!! What next? Ha ha Do people really believe this hoax?????

    Please stop preaching misinformation. It’s not funny. Before they did it with no plane and this time it’s with no virus. No one is dying of a fake virus.

  6. There are two parts of Trump's brain, the left side and right side. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

  7. When are those checks coming?I’ve been broke as duck since Christmas (unrelated to the lockdown but still.)

  8. Does China really have it under control, or are they just controlling the information coming out of the country. With video being smuggled out of the government welding people into their apartment blocks because the hospitals are full, and there is no where to take more sick people. Sorry, I simply won't believe the country that arrested the doctor who first said this was a problem, and who later died of the virus.

  9. Yo writers – you guys were SO CLOSE with that prince in the tower joke! The princess would have given blood after recovery and the plasma is delivered to the prince. The Prince and the Plasma. You guys were close!

  10. We have a fake president, telling us, epidemic over, I cured everybody, back to work. He's senile, kids.

  11. Trevor, you missed the good part of Brix claiming credit for Trump on Singapore's control of the spread of the virus

  12. Thank you Trevor! I absolutely love watching you and being able to still provide interesting and funny content to the public. In a stressful time like this I still manage to laugh thanks to you. Showing you love from New Yorrrkk City!
    Stay blessed and safe ya'll.

  13. george zimmerman shot Trayvon Martin raised more than 200k in money Children going Hungry fundraiser just reaching 200k DAM America WTF is going on with the Priorities SMH

  14. TREVOR: How about VARIETY ??? Pl turn your attention to the CANDIDATE Dems are offering to replace Trump.
    Let's have fun with JOEMENTIA.

  15. We must be nice to Trump for him to help.. He's not helping New York and letting thousands suffer because he is not happy with the governor. Sounds like a dictatorship.

  16. Trump is NOT the powerfull man in the World…. And stop making him that and saying that…he is and Will allways be a twat!! He is a threat to his own country!!! When da fuck Will Americans wake da fuck Up!!!!

  17. looted america … that's what it did … oversight committee is run by STEVEN MNUCHIN, treasury sect …. we have no chance of seeing any of this $$$$$$$$$$ ….

  18. This isn’t even comedy, stop lecturing everybody in you’re elitist manhattan bubble. I’m fair on Trump, when he needs to be criticized I’ll criticize him but he absolutely is NOT holding out on essential medical equipment in NY because Cuomo is mean to him. Unfortunately, demand is far exceeding supply and other areas need them too. I think it’s disgusting how media heads are taking advantage of people’s panic for political agendas and spreading total misinformation

  19. I now live in mainland China and things have gone back pretty much normal since 2 weeks back.

    It was the HuBei(where Wuhan is in) officials trying to underestimate the seriousness of the virus resulting in the outbreak, but the central government and rest of China are doing a perfect job. 70000out of 80000 confirmed cases in China is within the locked down Hubei province while it's death rate is 4.5%, and should be more because of not enough medical facilities to accommodate all patients. Rest of China 0.5~0.9% death rate, some country-scale provinces zero death and all cured. Very reasonable to have zero new local cases if you live here and see what every citizen and staff here are very cautiously, attentively doing.

    The curing rate in China here is very promising because here we use Chinese medicine as the main method, with western medicine as secondary.

  20. He wants to pack churches because Easter is the biggest fundraising day of the year for the religion businesses… gotta keep his propaganda machine running!

  21. It is obvious who your real president should be (i'm a European) , the old guy with the glasses who runs his ass off , and understands whats really going on .

  22. Trump is getting so demented, that it's starting to be scary. To let things go back to normal now, would spread the virus (which is still out of control)… Someone must stop this man!

  23. Yo Easter is my birthday this year, but I really don’t want everything to open yet. That would be super bad

  24. Is Cuomo running for president? if not, Why not? from an outsiders/non-americans p.o.v. he seems to be keeping it real

  25. I feel bad for people from USA dealing with this specimen. Arrogant piece of shit . Get him out of there . He is going to kill you all .

  26. Self quarantine people. The last time a major outbreak was allowed to run wild in America for the sake of, "morale," Philadelphia. Ran. Out. Of. Coffins!
    This disease doesn't appear to be as deadly, but that's what we thought last time. Stay safe, stay rational, stay quarantined. I want to see as many of you on the other side of this as possible, which means everyone needs to be smart.

  27. Am I the only one just hoping Dr. Fauchi steps up and slaps the back of Trump’s fat head when he starts spewing more dangerous nonsense at the podium?

  28. Trump and Hemmer standing right next to each other. 🙄🙄 If you can smell someone's breath YOU'RE TOO DAMN CLOSE!

  29. That happens when you choose an idiotic president and still never learn your lesson…Better open ur eyes in the next election….else bear with the guy,ur choice

  30. Wuhan didn't defeat the virus through social distancing, they beat the virus through QUARANTINE. HUGE difference between those two concepts.
    >Can't leave your house unless a cellphone app approves your reason for leaving
    >Can only leave your house 1 day per week (doors sealed with tamper evident tape)
    >Can only leave your house if an app says you're healthy
    >Any buisnesses allowed to remain open are required to double verify that you don't have a temperature before entering
    >Failing to comply results in JAIL time.

    The goal of social distancing is not to make sure fewer people get the disease, it's to slowly build up herd immunity while treating as many of the severe cases as possible.

  31. Loving the daily social distancing show, coming from a respiratory therapist working the frontline at hackensack hospital, we need some laughter in our lives, keep it going, hope to catch you live one day when this is all over

  32. Trump gets a hard on, when he thinks about people dying. If people are stupid enough to trust ANYTHING Trump says . . . go to church and see if Jesus will save you. Thought and prayers . . .

  33. 400 ventilators? In my country with a population of 10 million, hospitals are complaining that they need much more than the 500 ordered. Private companies, sports figures, everybody is trying to get ventilators. 400 ventilators can only be a big joke.
    Trump is the only human that, if he died, there would be celebrations all over the planet! I wish he dies, honestly. I wish he dies from Corona virus, that would be great! You have a monster as a President. Trump is that guy that almost makes me like Hitler. That's how much i hate that monster.

  34. So Trevor Noah, where do you get this information from? I have been watching every update and Trump has never said this…..

  35. Stop the deaths from Covid-19 with the treatment of 

    hydroxychloroquine (Plaquenil) and Azithromycin.

    When deaths are stopped or sharply mitigated with this

    course, then all the other problems: shortage of ventilators,

    shortage of personal protective gear, shortage of hospital beds

    AND the economic crisis, will abate. We do not have the

    luxury of lengthy trials for this treatment. We must tap the

    pharmaceutical companies to ramp up the production of

    these drugs to end the deaths. None of us, in the world,

    can afford to wait for a vaccine that is eighteen months in

    the future. If you do not know about this treatment, then

    search the web for your satisfaction. Do not hoard

    these drugs, do not use them to prevent Covid-19. Reserve

    their use for the serious cases, those under doctors’ care.

  36. If anyone wants to help the Dow, Hillenbrand Corp own Bates Caskets, the largest US supplier of caskets and funeral supplies.

  37. Packed churches
    Sure go ahead Christians(all respect to rational Christians)
    You will learn what is natural selection finally

  38. The billionaire con man who said he was fighting the "elites" and giving money to "main st." BUT then gave it to WALL ST.
    And said that adding more healthcare would be a "death panel" for your grandmother…
    Is now saying to the lowest paid: "return to work even if it kills you and your grandparents."
    …And his approval rating is soaring high again… this is surreal!

  39. This lockdown has been great for a number of reasons. Comedians doing their thing to no laughter but mine. No make-up! You're a good looking man Trevor, but in the studio you look like an angel. Liked that clay-green hoodie a few days back BTW. You're a force of good.

  40. Dear Trevor,
    Thank you so much, and thanks to everyone at the Daily Show for continuing to upload these videos and stay connected with your viewers. Thank you also for suggesting ways for us to donate during these times. Could you include information in one of your segments about virtual volunteering? There are ways for people to volunteer from a distance such as speaking with elderly individuals and others, and it would be great for people to participate in that if they can. Thank you for putting smiles on our faces!!

  41. Tell the truth noah. This stimulus is the biggest robbery in american history and a lil chump change to keep the working class docile. Read the fine print.

  42. Fuck trump and all these stupid religios idiots. They're robbing us blind while they live the fat life

  43. Gee, you didn’t mention Democrats paying $30 million to The Kennedy Center, $150 m for migrant aid and giving congress a huge raise.
    Democrats slit their political throats blocking this aid bill for so long.
    The Democrat party is over. They will be annihilated in the coming elections.

  44. Your in a dream world Trevor & a total liar! President Trump is hoping,do you understand english? Maybe it's a second language to you. Your hatred of our President makes me realize how uneducated people are. Have a nice day!

  45. Trump only knows how to corrupt business. So all he thinks is that the U.S. is a business he is getting ready to open up. Lol what a horrible joke of an administration.

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