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Pedro Gonzalez Is Trying To Get Back To His Country

Pedro Gonzalez Is Trying To Get Back To His Country


>>Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK. FOLKS, NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN ORIGINALLY FROM BOGOTA, COLOMBIA. PLEASE WELCOME PEDRO GONZALEZ! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
>>THANK YOU. I AM THE FIFTH PEDRO GONZALEZ IN
MY FAMILY. BUT I AM THE FIRST ONE WHO GETS
TO SPEAK INTO A MICROPHONE WITHOUT PLEXIGLASS IN FRONT.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S A GOOD THING! THANK YOU. WHEN I WAS BORN, MY MOM WAS 16,
AND MY DAD WAS 26. SO I AM MY MOM’S FIRSTBORN, AND
MY DAD’S FIRST FELONY.( LAUGHTER )
JUST KIDDING. JUST KIDDING. HE’D BEEN TO JAIL BEFORE.( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT’S A CUTE JOKE!( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE A HOOK NOSE. SO WHEN I WAS A CHILD MIERK MOM
WOULD MASSAGE MY NOSE EVERY NIGHT FOR FIVE MINUTES TO MAKE
IT STRAIGHT. SO, LIKE, IF YOU GET REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY CLOSE TO ME AND YOU LOOK, YOU’LL SEE I HAVE A
VERY LITTLE SELF-ESTEEM.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN
COLOMBIA, THEY DID A COLOMBIAN VERSION OF “WHO WANTS TO BE A
MILLIONAIRE?” BUT THEY FORGOT MILLIONS AND
PESOS AND DOLLARS IS VERY DIFFERENT. SO THE FIRST CONTESTANT THEY
EVER HAD, WON 300,000 MILLION PESOS. THE NEXT DAY THEY HAD TO CHANGE
THE NAME OF THE GAME TO, “WHO WANTS TO GET KIDNAPPED RIGHT
AFTER THE SHOW?”( APPLAUSE )
JUST ONE EPISODE.( LAUGHTER )
I LIKE MUSIC. I THINK MUSIC CREATES MEMORIES
THAT YOU NEVER FORGET, LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING. LIKE, DO YOU GUYS, FOR EXAMPLE,
REMEMBER THE EXACT SONG THAT WAS PLAYING THE MOMENT WHEN YOU LOST
YOUR… NIECE AT THE MALL? FOR ME, IT WAS FELIZ NAVIDAD.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I GOT A MASTERS IN LITERATURE
WHEN I WAS ONLY 22. AND I GOT A JOB TEACHING
COLLEGE. BUT BECAUSE I WAS SO IMMATURE, I
MADE A MISTAKE. I SLEPT WITH ONE OF MY STUDENTS. BUT IT WAS A COMMUNITY COLLEGE,
AND SHE WAS 47. SO…( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE OF WHOM,
REALLY?( LAUGHTER )
I THINK I WAS THE VICTIM. SHE DIDN’T BREAK THE LAW, BUT
SHE BROKE MY HEART. I… I HAVE DONE ONLINE DATING. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ONLINE
DATING IS WEIRD, BUT TO ME ONLINE DATING IS JUST LIKE
LOOKING FOR A JOB ON THE INTERNET, YOU KNOW? I SEND OUT 100 APPLICATIONS, AND
NOBODY REPLIES BECAUSE MY NAME IS PEDRO. AND THE FIRST THING THAT WOMEN
POST ONLINE IS THEY WON’T EVEN GO ON A DATE WITH YOU IF
YOU’RE BELOW SIX FEET. IT’S LIKE, HAVE YOU LADIES NOT
READ ABOUT THE ONLINE DATING KILLER IN THE NEWS LAST WEEK–
SIX FOOT, SUPER JACKED. IT’S SO DANGEROUS TO GO OUT WITH
A GUY LIKE THAT. I STARTED USING THAT TO MY
ADVANTAGE AND POSTING MY HEIGHT AND WEIGHT– 5’8″, 145 POUNDS,
AND TOO WEAK TO STRANGLE ANYONE. HASHTAG LITTLE SPOON.( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. EVER SINCE I MOVED TO THE UNITED
STATES, I’VE ONLY DATED WHITE WOMEN. AND MY BLACK AND LATINO FRIENDS
GET MAD. “WHAT ARE YOU RACIST? YOU DON’T LIKE US?”
I SAID, “NO, I’M SO BLAND, YOU GUYS DON’T LIKE ME.” WHITE WOMEN ARE THE ONLY ONES I
CAN TRICK INTO THINKING I HAVE FLAVOR. I’M LIKE THE WHICH CHIPOTLE OF D
JUST CHEDDAR, REALLY. JUST CHEDDAR. BUT I FOUND SOMEONE. SHE HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT
IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN THEY MOVED INTO FOR THE TIME WE DATED. THE FIRST TIME I MOVED IT, I HAD
TO MEET HER FATHER. HHE SAID, I’LL BE HONEST WITH
YOU, I DON’T LIKE HISPANICS BECAUSE YOU COME TO THIS COUNTRY
AND LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT. I SAID, SIR, I’LL YOU HAVE KNOW
I’M HISPANIC AND I DON’T LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT. I LIVE OFF YOUR DAUGHTER. SO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
LAST MONTH, I WAS AT THE MIAMI
AIRPORT. I WAS TRYING TO CATCH A
CONNECTION TO GO HOME, AND I WAS LATE. SO I GOT INTO ONE OF THE MOVING
WALKWAYS AND STARTING TAPPING PEOPLE SAYING, PLEASE, LET ME
THROUGH.” I TAPPED THIS BIG GUY AND HE
DIDN’T LIKE IT. HE SAID, “I’M NOT GOING TO
MOVE.” I SAID, “IT’S CROWDED.” HE SAID, “IT’S CROILDED BECAUSE
OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU, GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY.” AND I SAID, “THAT’S WHAT I’M
TRYING TO DO, BUT YOU’RE BLOCKING ME.” AND HE SAID, “I’LL HELP YOU GET
UP THERE.” HE PICKED UP MY SUITCASE, WALKED
ME TO THE GATE AND WAVED GOODBYE. AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE THIS
COUNTRY. EVERYONE IS SO NICE! MY NAME IS PEDRO GONZALEZ. THANK YOU SO MUCH!>>Stephen: TOUR DATES ARE
POSTED ON HIS WEBSITE pedrogonzalezcomedy.com. PEDRO GONZALEZ, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

100 comments on “Pedro Gonzalez Is Trying To Get Back To His Country

  1. Long time Late Show comedy bit watcher, first time commenter. I often wince throughout many of these stand-up bits, however, Pedro's was quite good.

  2. Holy shit! Pedro! Been watching little videos of this guy with dozens to hundreds of views for ages. Awesome to see him on Colbert.

  3. "Lost your knees at the mall" I was like, what? lol
    "I was trying to catch a connection to go home" Isn't America your home now? I never get that… 😮
    Apart from that, yeah, funny. 😛

  4. That was cute.
    (I’m British and have to date Mediterranean guys, because I’m just too spicy for bland British men (they scare easy) 😂😂)

  5. Do you people know that Stephen Colbert was on the flight manifest to Epstein Island???
    What do you think he did there? He once laughed and denied Pizza Gate, and here he was going to Epstein's Island.

  6. I was gonna complain about the criminal jokes but nice come back with the Masters in Lit… Colombia represent let them know who we really are.

  7. So….Ken Jeong is a doctor and Pedro Gonzalez has a masters and they both transitioned to comedy… I have to admit it's probably a lot more fun.

  8. Very funny. I think this is one of the funniest comics Stephen Colbert has had on his show. Very well done!! 💖🇨🇦

  9. Question-my upstairs neighbor keeps complaining my tv is on too loud even when it's lowered!Should I tell her I can hear her bed squeak when it moves up and down?

  10. Pedro, ur not an illegal immigrant yet u pander as one… You have a Visa, u were given that by the US Gov… You can apply for another one… Why are u a liar? America never forgets, u just burned your comedy bridges for Colbert and his fakes, sell out Hispanic as well, gross, that's disgusting.

  11. I feel like he's actually probably genuinely funny, but is hiding it and instead pandering to a mainly white audience by making jokes exclusively making fun of his ethnicity. No wonder so many people in this comment section and audience are lapping it up. You can't even be a successful comedian of colour without constantly deprecating yourself or preventing yourself from appearing "too threatening" (i.e. successful) in the eyes of your white audience members. His whole bit made me more sad than laugh.

  12. I think this is my favourite comedian on the Late Show so far. It's a difficult room to perform to, with the formal audience, cameras, etc, and a lot of people don't quite manage to pull it off. Pedro's quiet self-deprecation and racial humor is perfect here!

  13. @Pedro Gonzalez I loved your act! Are you going to be performing in any places in the NJ/NYC area in the future? You made my week!

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