Big Mandy’s Best Bits: This Country
No, I’m not all right, some little old blind man with
a guide dog walked into a bin outside my house. Shit, is he all right? He won’t be when I’ve got
my hands on him. Poor Tyson was so scared, he’s run
up a tree and ate a bird’s nest. So I’m going to find him
and break his legs for him. See how he likes it. You see him,
you send him my way, yeah? All right, you fucking psychopath. Who’s a psychopath? Er… The blind man. Yeah, I know.
Poor little baby birds got their guts sucked out
their arseholes cos of him. Evil bastard. Fucking weirdo. Who’s a weirdo? Er…Kurtan. Yeah, I know. Come on, Tyson, you fucking prick. How the fuck did she hear all that? Look at this. Whoa. I never leave the house
without a pair of these. “Why?” You ask. Well, this is why. That’s… ..really good.
See that? Pure martial arts. There’s a kid crying over there. Do you want me to…? I can tell him
to shut the fuck up if you want? All right, Mand? No, I’m not all right. You know
that little old blind man? Yeah. Yeah, when I was
punching him in his face, the lens from his glasses broke
and cut my knuckle. Oh, right. Do you want a tattoo, by the way? I’ll help you. We’ll find him, yeah?
And we’re going to fuck him up. You’ll be safe with me, Ker. Yah! Like that.
Yeah. Do a defence, or… ..you can do a punching…
SHE LAUGHS “Yeah, whatever,
all right, mate, yeah…” Yeah. Yah! Like that. Don’t worry,
I’ve got me range. Yeah.
I’ve got me range. What am I going to do now?
Defence, or punch? We don’t know, we don’t know.
It’s a punch! Yeah, the reason
I have offered to protect Kerry is cos I used to be in exactly
the same situation before, cos I was a stalker for about
three or four years, and… It got really bad at one point, cos they were starring
in Jack And The Beanstalk at the Everyman Theatre… ..I broke into their dressing room
and just… ..I stole all their shoes and that. Police got involved. I thought you were stalked on. No, I was the stalker. Oh. Yeah, cos the more I loved them,
the more they rejected me, the more they rejected me,
the more I wanted to kill ’em, see? What are you playing? Happy Families. Can I play? Yeah, I’ve pretty much
won this round, anyway. What’s the rules, again? Mandy makes up the rules each…
I don’t make ’em up. No. That’s what they are.
Yeah. Are you looking at my collection
of Compare The Meerkats.com? Yeah. Yeah, cos you’ve seen the adverts,
haven’t you? Yeah. Yeah? Cos he’s the main one,
and he’s a laugh. Right? But he’s not the main one,
but he’s a laugh, in his own way. Yeah. And I think that’s why
they get on so well, cos they’re both such a laugh – but I just need the baby Oleg,
now, and then the set’s complete. Yeah, yeah. You don’t know anyone
selling a baby Oleg, do you? I don’t… know of anyone.
Don’t, sorry. Can you keep your ear to the ground,
please? Yeah, yeah, yeah, def… Absolutely.
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